How are you today David?
I'm fantastic actually, how are you?
You're lying to me. What's wrong?
…I almost had an anxiety attack yesterday, but I managed to avoid it again.
Again? Sabelle, why didn't you call me? I told you if you needed anything just to call me, or even text me if you have to. Don't keep me in the dark.
Finally the dams started break as Sabelle began to shake at his words. "I don't want you to see me when I'm like that. You don't know how scary that is. It's terrifying for anyone to see, and even more for someone to know that they have to see you at your weakest. I don't want that to happen, it's not okay." That's all she could manage before she finally broke down to her knees.
"Sabelle…" He pulled her into a hug. "At least tell me what started all of this. Please, I know you can't trust me completely yet, but baby steps right?" He pushed Sabelle's auburn hair out of her eyes.
Sabelle nodded, and got their notebook out. "I guess I don't have much of choice. The main event that started everything for me, that is what finally made me snap."
Here, this is what broke me down to the point where I can't trust anyone. And believe me it's not because of this first part, it's because of the result of it.
</i>I looked up at the sky, mesmerized for only a moment. I gazed down to meet the rapist's eyes and I spoke in a harsh tone.
"I don't have anything to live for anyway, will you just kill me already?" as cold and twisted smile cracked on my face.
The rapist's eyes grew scared for a moment, and that's when I made my move. Using what little strength I had left I flipped the bastard on his back, and shoved the beautiful silver blade into his spine. I could see the life draining from his eyes.
I leaned down and whispered, "You should have killed me," as blue and red flashing lights finally graced me with their presence.
"Oh, now you appear," I said to an officer who pointed me towards an ambulance.
"I just have a few scrapes and broken rib on my left side," I said to the paramedic. He wrapped my stomach and patched up my scratches, covering me with a towel.
"What's your name, girl?"
I looked up to a boy there, at least a year older than me.
"Why the hell should I tell you?" I answered coldly. The boy looked at me in surprise. "Maybe if the fucking cops got here sooner, I wouldn't be sitting here," I snapped. I sighed heavily. "It's Jade Hailey Nelson, but most people call me Jewels," I said in not-so-harsh tone, feeling guilty for taking my anger out on him. He still had that surprised look on his face. "Sorry for snapping at you," I said rather quietly, moving auburn hair in my face, hiding my eyes. The boy started to say something, but his father came over.
"Did you get her name, son?" he asked.
He stood there for another second looking at me. "Err… It's Jade Hailey Nelson, sir," he reported.
"The girl whose mother and brother were killed in gang shooting?" His father asked quietly.
(I have been living on my own since I was 14, my aunt couldn't afford to take care of me anymore. So I left, I did tell you about that right?)
I chimed in, "You do know I'm not deaf right?" I glared at the boy's father. "I don't take people talking about my family lightly."
The boy's father looked at me in shock. "No, I won't have any respect towards you. If you would have gotten to me and MY mother sooner I wouldn't be in this fucking mess." I could feel the tears wanting to break. I stood up and started walking towards my apartment building wincing in pain, with every other step.
"Where are you going?" asked the boy.
"Home. To sleep. I'll write down what happen and give it to you people in the morning. I need to sleep." I lazily turned around.
"Let me walk you there, it's not safe," he said, walking over to me.
"No." I pointed to the building across the street. "I live in that building. I'm sure I can manage."
The boy looked displeased, but didn't protest. "Alright, just be careful."
"Why the hell should you care?" I said walking off, not bothering to stay for his reply.
"Stupid asshole. Just because you're some cop's son, doesn't mean you have to be 'caring' towards me. I don't need anyone." I muttered while walked into my building.
The receptionist looked at me, wide eyed. "Do I need to call the police?"
"No, I've already took care of that I'm going home to change so I can give these clothes to them for evidence, but thank you for your concern." I said walking up the stairs to my apartment door.
Finally back at my apartment I slid down the side of my door. Finally, I let the dams break. Tears started to stream down my cheeks as I brought my knees to my head, laying it there, my whole body began to tremor, at the time I didn't understand why this was happening to me.
"Why?" I asked myself. "Why didn't he kill me? I could have been with my parents... Why?" I heard a knock at my door.
I quickly wiped my face, and composed myself again. "Who is it?" I managed to say.
"Err, the cop's son."
"What the hell do you want?" I asked, irritated.
"Well, like I said, I was worried, and not just because my dad's a cop, Jade."
I opened the door. "Well, get in here." I said, my face slightly red.
"Do you want something to drink?" I asked.
I grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and tossed it to him.
"I'm going to go change... I'll put my clothes in a plastic sack for evidence." My voice was still quiet.
"Alright." He sat down on my couch.
I went into my room and carefully took off the blood stained clothes. "Ouch." My side ached.
I slipped on a tank-top and PJ shorts. I brushed the rats out of my hair so I looked at least half way decent.
"So… What exactly ARE you here for? I'm fine," I said, puzzled and stilled annoyed at him
"Well, to be honest, I wanted to come over on my own, but my dad told me to protect you. We have a feeling the same gang who... killed your parents are after you, too."
"What was your first clue? The tattoo on his neck?" I asked with a pissy ass tone. Regretting it, I continued, "Sorry… I've had what you would call a rather long night." I plopped down next to him on my couch. I leaned my head back and let out a heavy sigh.
"You know, you're the first girl I've seen that hasn't cried after something like this."
"Yeah, well I'm not most girls. I don't cry," I said, looking at him. "I haven't for a while."
"It is okay to cry once in a while. It doesn't make you weak, Jewels, it makes you stronger."
I stood up. "Who the hell are you to tell me that? You don't even know me! You have no right whatsoever to say that to me!"
He stood up. "Well, my name is Ray, and I do know you. Well, the past you anyway. We went to middle school together, we were best friends. He pulled on a chain revealing the same charm I gave him before I moved back in the ninth grade. "I have a right, because you are my friend, Jade."
"That was a long time ago, we may be friends, but like you said. USE to be best friends. It doesn't matter anymore get out of my apartment. Now." I pointed at the door. I needed to be alone I promised I wouldn't let anyone see me cry. (At the time I didn't think much of these "attacks" so I assumed that I was still a normal teenage girl.)
He was one of the reasons I don't trust people.
"H-How can you say that?!" he stood up, clearly shocked.
"You knew the old me honey. That's how it is. Get. Out. Now."
He silently made his way to the door.
"Don't let it hit you in the ass when you leave!" I muttered just loud enough for him to hear as the door clicked.
I finally let out a long breath.
"Stupid." I told myself. I ran outside after him I had felt bad after treating him so badly, I mean he used to be my best friend at one point. So I went back to the scene.
I walked up behind him, and he was talking to his dad.
"So did you get any information?"
"No. She's stubborn; I'll have to keep my act up for a while so she trusts me so we can get the information." he gave an irritated sigh. "It's not easy to act like this you know? With how I really feel and all, can't I just ignore that!"
"Information? That's all you used me for? After finally figuring out who I was, you only wanted me for information?"
He turned around to see my tear struck face. Speechless
"Jade, that's not what I meant." He was frantic, like he wanted to say something else, but something was holding him back.
"No, I know perfectly well what you mean. Stay the hell away from me, don't talk to me, or come see me EVER again." I turned on my heals and bounded back to my apartment, wrote down my statement of what happen and I left. That was a little over 2 years ago, my sophomore year in high school.
I've changed my name since that time, moved to a new city. And now, I am Sabelle.
That's one the reasons why I don't want to trust anyone. The put on an act because they pity me, and I don't need someone's freakin pity.
\I really hope you don't pity me, I can't be hurt like that again.</i>
She took a deep breath and handed him the notebook. He stared at it for several minutes, reading it over and over again. Remembering reading about this in the paper about year ago about this girl, who had already lost everything, her parents, and her brother, finally understanding the things she has gone through. He had trouble not pulling her in for a hug and telling her everything was going to be okay.
"That's why I'm afraid to trust… or get close to anyone." Sabelle said breaking David out of his trance.
"I can't tell you everything is going to be okay, or that you're fine." He paused letting his arms move before he could think pull Sabelle close. "But what I will tell you is, don't be afraid to show how you really feel. I can't hurt you, or rather I wouldn't hurt you, whether I had this job out not."
Sabelle pushed him away again, she was at her limit.
I can't ask you to say that. Don't say that. Please, I've already lost so much; I can't get close to someone because there's always something that ends up blowing up in my face.
That's when she made a break for it.
Sabelle ran clear down the block towards her apartment, until she heard a voice from behind her.
"Sabelle!" was all she could really understand. David was much faster that she was, so he easily caught up with her and grabbed her waist making them fall. After a minute of trying to catch his breath he spoke. "I won't let you run away. I can't tell you that you're going to be okay, I mean to be blunt you have a pretty shitty past. But that's why I'm here. This is now. I won't be like the rest, and like I said before I'll prove it over, and over again for you until you believe me."
Sabelle took a deep breath, and calmed herself. Her walls were back in place, defenses restored. She still had that awful feeling in her stomach, he can't be trusted yet."Will you give me a ride home?"
David stood there, in almost awe on how well this girl could compose herself so quickly. He nodded "Sure."
Sabelle got out of the car she turned to David, and smiled. "Thank you."
She was back at her apartment she closed the door and let out a deep sigh. "He can't be trusted that easily, I won't be lied to again."
She took out her notebook, a turquoise one with a coy fish on the cover, and wrote a simple question.
Should I really trust him? Will it be okay? Or is he just doing his job…
I'm running out of time until the next attack. Especially with today, I'm terrified. I don't want a repeat of May… that was one of the reasons why I got sent to the shrink anyway. God I wish my mom was here so I could talk to her… how did she get through this living hell without killing herself? I don't have the light like she did… and tomorrow I start school again. Senior year, it supposed to be the best year of my life, well I got news for you, so far it freakin sucks. I'm getting tired… my mind isn't all here.
Sabelle heard a knock on her door and a familiar voice. "Jade." Was all the voice said and she knew who it was.
"Go away! I told you I never want to talk to you or see you again!"
"If you ever need anything just call me."
Sabelle got out her phone and dialed the number it only rang a couple of times before she heard his voice. "David. I need you. Please, please come to my apartment." Her voice was frantic, not caring about that feeling as the other persons voice knocked on her door and simply said "Jade please let's talk."
"I'm on my way, what's wrong?" she heard his engine roar in the background.
"Please. Just get here. I need you." Her voice was shaky, she sounded terrified.
"I'm pulling in right now." He hung up and raced up to her apartment.
Sabelle went to the front door and heard his voice.
"Sabelle, open up, its David" He was cut off by the other voice.
"Who the hell are you and why are you bothering Jade?" as soon as her real name came out of his mouth Sabelle opened the door and slapped him.
"You have no right to call me that. You lost me a long time ago, and you aren't about to get me back Ray. Now get the hell out of here." She turned her back and grabbed David's wrist pulling him inside before he could even process what had just happen here.
"Jade! I finally found you again please, please just listen to me!" he begged voice frantic and Sabelle slammed the door.
"I told you, leave me the hell alone! You made it clear that day that you didn't really care about me, and you were just acting to get information for your DAD! Just leave Ray, I never want you see you again!" she hit the door and she finished her sentence.
"That's going to be hard considering we're going to the same high school." He groaned, getting back to his feet.
"Then stay the hell away from me, just like you did freshman year when my I found out my mother was truly dead, that I had no one left, and you my so-called best friend left me alone that day when I was almost killed!" Sabelle slipped to her knees. "I HATE YOU RAY! Just please… leave me alone." Tears started to stream down her cheeks and she begged again. "Please…"
It was finally quiet and David was still trying to fathom what had just happened. "Was that the same Ray from your past?"
"Yeah, I don't know how the hell he found me probably used his daddy to help him." She said, wiping the reappearing tears. There was nothing she could do now the anxiety was taking over, her body began to shake. "Not now…" she mumbled terrified.
David got down on his knees, and pulled Sabelle next to her. "It's okay to let go sometimes Sabelle, I told you I'm not going anywhere."
"Are you really here? Or are you just doing your job?" she managed to choke out.
"I'm here. Not as your psychologist, but as David. I promise Sabelle."
Sabelle shook her head and let out a small sob. "I can't… my mind is telling me to put my defenses back up to hurry up and calm the hell down so you don't see this." Her voice trailed off. She pulled out her phone and typed:
Now there's no going back, my jaw locked. She dropped her phone and cradled her head between her knees.
David pulled her close. "It's okay to show your emotions sometimes. I know it's your "job" to stay strong, but everyone screws up now and then, even the strongest."
Sabelle relaxed a bit in his arms. "I'm sick of being alone."
David rested his chin on Sabelle's forehead. "You don't have to be alone anymore."
"At least for now." He muttered, thinking that she didn't hear him.